Our dining companion looked across the table at Steve and me and asked, “So how many years have you two been married?”
When Steve told him, he said, “Oh, really? That’s great! We recently celebrated thirty-five years, and we went on a cruise to celebrate.” He then spent the next fifteen minutes describing every detail of that cruise.
Now, I have no problem with someone going on an anniversary cruise. I think it’s fabulous. What I do have a problem with is how he got into the cruise story–pretending to be interested in us and our marriage but then using the question as a pivot point to turn the conversation back to himself.
When my mom was in the last weeks of her life, an acquaintance would come up and inquire, “Becky, how is your mom doing?” When I would start to reply, he’d wait for the first break in a sentence and then interrupt, “Well, I remember back when my mom was sick and . . .” then he was off for ten minutes.
When I had breast cancer in 2010, I had many people approach me and tell me how sorry they were. Then the usual question would follow, “How are you doing?”
About ninety seconds into my heartfelt reply, it wasn’t unusual for the person to say, “Oh, I know that must be hard. I remember when my friend had breast cancer and this is what she went through.” And then she’d be off, not remembering or caring that she had asked how I was doing. She just wanted to tell her story about her friend.
to be critical of those people, only to illustrate that there is a scarcity of good listeners in the world. And oh how we need listeners, now more than ever.
We live in a sad, lonely, frightened world. People don’t feel seen. They don’t feel heard. They don’t feel like they matter. They walk into the grocery store with their heads down and leave the same way. No eye contact. No friendly hellos. No harkening back to the days of Andy Griffith, Barney, and Aunt Bea where everyone spoke to everyone and took the time to listen when a neighbor needed to talk.
and in his retirement, he is even more so. He tells me over and over, “Becky, people just need someone to notice them. They just need a kind word, a smile, a listener.”
And he is determined to be a person who provides those things.
We went on a date last Friday and our server was pleasant, attentive, and even laughed at our corny, old-people jokes. Steve and I complimented her during the meal and then, when we were finished eating, Steve asked one of the employees if the manager could come to our table. When the manager arrived, he looked a little leery and on guard, like he was preparing himself for the worst. He was completely taken aback when he found out that Steve had called him over to say something positive about our server.
The manager said, “No one ever calls me over to give a compliment, ever. They only want to complain.” So Steve not only made the server’s day but the manager’s day, too.
And what did it take to do that? Just an extra five minutes. We’ll never be able to measure how much joy Steve’s actions brought to two people that evening–people who felt seen, heard, and appreciated.
A Question
Be honest and ask yourself this:
When I am with a friend or in a group, what percentage of the time do I spend talking and what percentage do I spend listening?”
I’m going to give you a moment to figure out your percentage. (No advanced math required.)
If you answered along the lines of, “I always talk more than 50%of the time,” it might be time for a little adjustment. I’m not saying you have to retreat into a corner and say nothing; however, the next time you’re in a social situation, think about that question. Experiment with asking other people questions. . . and then really listen! It’s so fun to hear people’s experiences and stories if we just give them a chance to share them. (It’s especially rewarding to draw out people who don’t talk a lot.)
I come from a family of world-class listeners and I am very blessed by that.
Here are Sarah and Gage in listening mode.
Steve and Nathan have always had such a good relationship and have shared thousands of conversations through the years.
My mom and Steve’s mom were the world’s best listeners. Here’s my mom listening intently to her grandson, Andrew. (Who just got engaged!)
Not a great photo from a technical point but there is so much meaning in this shot. I love how Sarah has lifted her hand to emphasize the story she is sharing. It was such an honor to be there to listen to her heart.
Steve and I did a lot of listening and that was our honor. But so many years spent listening has made it even more meaningful when I am with a close friend who says, “What’s going on in your life right now?” and then really listens. They are not waiting for me to pause for a breath so they can jump in with their own story. They are there for the duration of whatever I need to share.
in this divided, suspicious, anxious, angry world of ours? Very few of us are going to do it by running for office or developing a national platform.
But all of us have five minutes to call the manager over to compliment a server. All of us have five seconds to smile and say hello to a person who looks like they’re having their worst day. All of us can listen to someone who has a different political view and remain cordial throughout the conversation.
Find your own way to make a difference happen.
with a small story about a small child who had difference-making down to a science.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer and struggling with so many emotions, she came up to me, slid an arm around my waist, and stood silently for a few moments, leaning into me. And then she said quietly, “I feel sad for you.”
I will never forget her compassion, the feel of her arm on my waist, the weight of her small body leaning in, and the perfectly chosen, perfectly spoken words. She made me feel seen, she made me feel heard, even though I hadn’t said a thing.
There are so many ways to make a difference: through spoken words, through listening hearts, through acts of compassion, and even the practicing of patience when someone doesn’t agree with you.
You don’t always have to talk. You don’t always have to have all the answers. You don’t always have to win everyone over to your way of thinking.
Lend your ears to the words of others. Bend your heart toward their stories. And then? Just listen.
What about you?
Look around this week and find one small (or big) way you can make a difference. And then share it with us here.
Was there ever a particular time when someone’s listening ear or act of kindness made a difference for you?
Looking forward to hearing from you!
A degree in Counseling could be called a degree in Listening. Besides listening, counselors must formulate responses that let the person KNOW that they are listening. A response that does not elicit further conversation let’s the counselor know that he/she has “missed the mark.” I think of active listening as making responses which are like stepping stones to allow the person to continue his/her train of thought, or evaluate what is being said and what can be learned. Good counselors or communicators do not tell the person what to do, say or think. They help them to find those answers on their own. Clearly, the people in the three examples you gave did not have any interest in helping you tell your story or feelings. They made you feel that you story was not important. This was a great blog, Becky!
Fred and Lucy,
Well, I have to say that after that very wise and insightful comment, you should have been the one writing the blog!
You said all the things I have thought over and over while having “conversations” with people who weren’t really listening.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Thanks for this post, Becky. I read your posts with my Monday breakfasts, and this one especially stuck with me all week. I can be a talker, but have been around older folks (haha – which now includes me @ age 61) and I often sense loneliness when I see some out and about, struggling in stores, the post office, etc. It can feel almost magical when you can brighten the expression on someone’s face with a simple smile, or words of recognition. People are just so busy, and in the quiet moments that used to be, while waiting in line somewhere, folks stare at a screen on their phones, and avoid the humans around them.
I am blessed with a mother-in-law who is still around in her late 80s, and a great listener. My favorite photos are ones I’ve sneaked of her LISTENING to my kids, husband, and other relatives over the decades. Like your photos, they are almost sacred moments captured on film. Well, maybe not film in my case, but on my phone….
This past week I was getting my hair cut, and the young stylist asked me about my hair, as in, where did you get such thick, curly hair! I look a lot like my mom, who passed away about 10 years ago, and my hair is part of that resemblance. The stylist shared that she has her grandma’s hair! As I was leaving, the young lady asked if I had a photo of my mom. It was such a sweet gesture! She sensed my loss, and love for my mom. I asked her for a photo of her grandma, so there we were, sharing together, with a special kind of understanding.
Again, many thanks for your posts, especially this one!
Ann,
How sweet of that young stylist to be sensitive to your loss and ask for a picture of your mom. Actions like that only take a few moments but what a difference they make in creating that wonderful human connection. And I love that you asked for a photo of her grandma and that the two of you got to share that special moment.
I love your phrase, “It can almost feel magical when you brighten the expression on someone’s face . . .” That is so true. It takes very little effort to make a large impact on someone’s life, especially someone who is lonely or who feels disconnected. If we can make them feel seen, what a gift that is.
You are blessed to still have your wonderful mother-in-law in your life. I know just what you mean by grabbing those “sneaky” photos of loved ones. No one is posing; they are just being themselves in the best possible ways.
I am not much of a talker and this has happened more than a couple times where I was speaking with someone (not sure what it was about) but someone had come in late and stood near the small group, they acknowledged her and that was the end of my conversation – I just walked away feeling that no one cared what I was talking about anyway. So if someone in your group is speaking and someone joins you, please go back and say, “and Mary, you were saying?” or something to that effect. If they have trouble speaking to others, help them get back to the conversation.
Sharyn,
That’s a really good point.
As you said, when you’re in the middle of a thought and the group is distracted by a newcomer and no one returns to what you’re saying, you feel like your contribution wasn’t valuable. It’s good to always be aware of the dynamics of the group and honor the contribution each one makes.
What you’ve noted in your examples is actually a hallmark difference between neurotypical and neurodivergent communication styles. This article is behind a pay wall but the first paragraphs explain it well.
View at Medium.com
“When it comes to sharing personal experiences, the way individuals engage in conversation reveals significant differences between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals. Imagine two friends catching up over coffee. The neurotypical friend recounts a challenging day at work, seeking sympathy, advice, or a reflective response, because they feel heard through focused dialogue and validation. When the neurodivergent friend shares their own story about a difficult day, they desire their friend to relate by sharing a similar experience, because a reciprocal exchange is how they feel truly heard and understood.
These differences can lead to misunderstandings. If the neurotypical friend expects the conversation to stay focused on their narrative, while the neurodivergent friend instinctively shifts to reciprocal sharing, both may leave feeling disconnected or unacknowledged. Understanding these differences is essential for fostering more inclusive and effective conversations.”
While some people absolutely love the attention to be on them and we can all work to improve our active listening skills, it’s good to remember that, for some people, sharing a story from their own life is actually how they are trying to show you that they are listening and understand.
Kelly,
What a great insight into a different perspective on listening. Thank you so much for sharing it with us all!
I love learning from this community.
Thanks for the reminder that I need to practice “listening to hear & understand”, NOT “listening to speak/respond”.
Sue Ellen,
That is a succinct and perfect way to sum up the whole post in one sentence!
You have really hit the nail on the head with this post, Becky. In the training I took to be a Stephen Minister (it’s a Lutheran thing!) learning good listening and questioning skills was most important. But we seem to be ( at the risk of sounding political) in a time where narcissism is rampant, so of course, what “I” want to say is most important.
Liz,
How great that part of your training has been learning good listening and questioning skills. If a minister can’t listen well, they can’t begin to do their job well.
I did some reading on Stephen Ministers. What a wonderful way to get laypeople involved in making a difference. Love it!
Bravo! Well said!
Steve,
Thanks for being part of the inspiration for the post. 💖
We all have at times–
lent an ear- or not–
so this is a good reminder to do it much more. Truly a simple way to minister to another person- anytime.
Ruth
Ruth,
Ruth, you are always such a good listener, to which all of your many friends (and two sisters) can attest.
Becky, this is one of the best posts you have ever written (IMO!). You are wonderful at finding/injecting humor in situations but you are also excellent at teaching/sharing serious thoughts.
We tried to teach our children this principle—to just listen and ask questions, and not make the discussion about themselves. I hope your post gets wide traction!
One of my best friends (since 7th grade!) lost her only son and oldest child when he was 16. He was on a school leadership retreat; the circumstances of his death don’t make sense. My friend and her husband will likely never know truly what happened. Despite that, their marriage and faith is strong, they are emotionally healthy, and God uses them to help others in grief–specifically children. She is a Bible teacher and speaker.
One thing I have learned from her over the years is that people shouldn’t focus on the “what happened” part of the story (she says that if you don’t know, you aren’t in the circle of knowing and it’s not something to ask about), but on who the person was. “Tell me about ______.” I love that advice and have put it into practice several times. I think it fits well with your post today.
We all need to be better listeners.
Thank you, Becky, for writing this.
DeLynn,
What a sweet comment; thank you for your encouragement.
That was a double tragedy for your friends to not only lose a son but also not to know all the details behind his death. I love that they have turned their pain into an avenue of helping others in pain.
And asking someone to tell you about their loved one (rather than talking about how sad the situation is, and asking “what happened”, etc) is such great advice. I think it’s especially important to do that months/years after the person’s passing. It helps the bereaved person know their loved one hasn’t been forgotten. So many times, they really want to revisit old stories and memories but are just waiting for someone to ask.
Thanks for sharing your wise and compassionate thoughts–and especially thank you for teaching your children to listen!
Thank you Becky for this post. I wish everyone, everywhere could read this. This is so true. Everyone is all about talking about themselves. We all need to take time to just listen and focus on other people.
I hope you have a wonderful week.
Joy,
Listening is a gift we give to other people; and we learn so much and expand our horizons by doing it.
Thank you for your encouragement.