This post is mostly an update about my mom but as it turns out, we have another mother facing a health challenge.
Steve’s mom, Vernie, was admitted to the hospital last Friday with double pneumonia. Steve is driving to Charlotte today to be with her. The two of us have been blessed with the best moms in the world and are carrying each of them on our hearts over these next hours and days.
And speaking of precious moms, I had a truly special time in Wisconsin last week with my family.
By way of a little background, Mom is on hospice care due to a heart condition.
I know that when many people hear the word hospice, they think that death is imminent but our hospice nurse told us she’s had hospice patients for two years and she’s had hospice patients for four hours. Hospice is definitely end-of-life care but no one can predict a timetable.
The hospice nurses and other staff are amazing. The nurse, Jodi, came while Debbie and I were there. (“There” being at Ruth’s house where Mom has lived for the past two years.)
The only one in the house not impressed with the nurse was the family dog, Violet. She planted her tiny, ancient, ferocious self between the nurse and the bed, just to keep an eye on things. She follows Mom around all the time–the self-appointed protector of Grandma.
Mom had been largely pain-free but then started having some pain Saturday night which hasn’t let up. The hospice nurse went by yesterday and got her going on some meds; today they are starting a fentanyl patch.
Ruth has been so stalwart and compassionate in her care of mom. Mom always calls Ruth and Debbie her angels since they have taken turns so lovingly caring for her over these fourteen years.
Mom has lost ten pounds in the past two weeks, sleeps a lot, and is now dealing with this new pain. But in her wakeful times during my visit, she was very present and engaged with what was going on around her.
She even challenged me to a game of checkers. And won!
You can see how fiercely I am concentrating as I try to hold my own against the Queen of Checkers.
When Mom was feeling up to it, Ruth, Debbie, and I sat down with her to go over her funeral arrangements. The conversation was sobering but mom hung in there every step of the way–brave, calm, and clear-eyed.
After we were done, she wanted to go look up certain Scriptures to be included in the service. This photo basically sums up the story of her life.
On Wednesday night, after she had laid down for the night, Ruth and Debbie and I gathered around her to sing her to sleep–something she had done for us many times growing up.
I hesitated about posting this because our singing is not very good due to the tears threatening to derail our voices. In fact, the first go-’round didn’t work out at all because, after just three words into the song, I was a crying mess. But the second time around, we at least made it through. I’m mainly posting it to show mom singing along–such a sweet moment.
I loved the fact that even though my sisters and I only sing together about once a decade, when I started the first note, they were right there with me, automatically going to the sisterly harmony they’ve always sung through the years.
One of my favorite moments from the visit was when I first walked into the living room where Mom was waiting. She raised both hands to wave hello and cried out, “I love you, I love you!” Mom is not usually a dramatic person so that exuberant welcome meant all the more.
(Notice that Violet immediately ran over to do a security check on Grandma’s visitors.)
Ruth’s house was, as always, lovely and welcoming with all sorts of Ruth Touches everywhere.
It was very hard to leave on Thursday afternoon, knowing it was possibly the last time to see Mom on this side of heaven.
We grabbed one last photo . . .
and one last hug. And then as Debbie and I were heading out the door Mom called out, “Bye, dolls.”
That brought tears to my already full eyes because all through the years she has called each of her three daughters, “Doll.” To hear her say that word of affection again, maybe for the last time, was a treasure beyond words.
But as she says her goodbyes here, she will soon be saying her hellos in heaven. I can picture her arriving there, seeing her husband, Ed, raising both hands and saying, “I love you, I love you!”
Mom’s life has been marked by love–her love for God, her love for her family.
However long she has left on this earth, love will carry her Home.
What about you? Would you like to share a memory (or two) from your last days with a beloved family member? Sharing memories helps keep our loved ones close to us.
Becky, I’m so glad I was able to hear you and your sisters singing in harmony with your mom.
Fred,
I was just thinking about you and Lucy this week and wondering how things were. Glad to see your name pop up here!
It was a special honor to be able to sing to my mom with my sisters. As I said in the post, it wasn’t real pretty, but it was certainly heartfelt.
My sisters and I recorded a couple of albums way back in the day; any chance I get to sing with them again is always a joy.
Becky,
I have prayed for you and your family this week. It is a sacred time when we know those we love will soon be seeing Jesus. The grief we have is so real, but the joy is there as well. Your mom and Steve’s mom raised wonderful children.
What a blessing that you had that precious time with your sisters and your mom.
My only, very beloved sister died 9 years ago due to complications from cancer. On what turned out to be her final night, my wonderful brother-in-law asked if I wanted to be the overnight person with her at the hospital. I jumped at the chance for a final sleepover. I don’t know if she knew I was there, but I acted as though she did. As it got toward midnight, I noticed changes in the readings on the monitors. I spoke with the resident and he agreed that things were taking a downturn. Her husband came and he agreed that it was time to turn off the machines. Their daughter, daughter in law and a beloved niece came to the hospital as well. We spent the night talking of memories, rubbing Suzy’s hands, arms, feet, legs with lotion, laughing, crying, telling her how much we loved her. We called a couple of people she was very close to and held the phone to her ear so they could say goodbye (again—having no idea if she could hear them or not). Early in the morning a couple other family members came as she left the earth. It was so difficult; but on the other hand, it was a sacred and special time. I will always be very thankful for that precious last night with my sister.
DeLynn,
As close as I am to my sisters, I can’t imagine what you went through losing yours long before her time.
But the beauty of your description was wonderful–you captured perfectly the mixture of tears, laughter, stories, memories, words spoken, and hands held. There is nothing other than the passing of a dear one that creates that sort of inimitable atmosphere.
If we could all leave this life with the love and care Suzy received in her last hours. Many hugs to you.
So thankful that you were able to have that beautiful time with your sweet, precious mom. Mothers…they seem to be the thread that holds the world together and they seem to be the closest to Jesus. I know I’ve not met many mothers who don’t spend a lot of time consulting with Him through the years!
Praying for both yours and Steve’s moms and all those who love them.
Hospice care is amazing. I know they enabled my dad’s last days to be comfortable.
Suzanne,
Yes, indeed. They are the thread that holds the world together. And when that thread is snipped and they are no longer here–well, at this point I can’t imagine how that feels, but it seems I will be finding out very soon.
Thank you for your prayers and your very sweet words.
Becky,
Praying for you, Steve and your Moms this morning. I loved hearing that your Mom called you and your sisters “Dolls”. Also loved that she greeted you with, “I love you, I love you”. She was so happy to see your face! Singing @ her bedside was precious as well.
Mom didn’t want to discuss funeral arrangements and left that up to me. It means so much that she trusted me with those details of her life. When you have time, please go to Hockaday Funeral Home in Roanoke Rapids, NC and read the obituary for Dorothy Smith. The photograph is from the early 1950’s, Mom & Dad on the beach in Kitty Hawk.
Thank you Becky for walking through this life with us and for giving your followers an ‘avenue’ to express our thoughts, love, words, grief.
Sisters in Christ,
Gloria
Gloria,
I LOVED that picture and the fun and love emanating between your mom and dad. And of course, having the photo taken on the OBX makes it extra special.
What an honor to get to put together her funeral arrangements; I can imagine few greater tasks. Since she has been gone less than two weeks, I know your grief is still fresh.
Thank you for sharing you and your mom’s story here.
Thanks too, for your words about the blog giving followers an avenue to share thoughts, love, words, and grief.
That is my greatest goal for this blog; to be a community where we can share the sorrowful and joyful times of life. Hugs.
I am a certified end of life doula and avid hospice volunteer. Your mom is blessed to have children so committed to giving her the profound gift of a sacred, dignified death. May we all be so lucky as to be delivered into and out of this life by such loving hands.
Ellen,
I had never heard of an end-of-life doula so it was very informative to spend some time getting familiar. What a joy it must be to know that you are making a difference, not just in the lives of the dying but in the lives of those who are saying their goodbyes.
Thank you for what you do and thank you especially for that lovely closing line. May we all be so lucky as to be delivered into and out of this life by such loving hands.
Thank you for sharing with us Becky. Mom entered hospice care on February 1, 2022 and went to be with Jesus on February 4th. The cause of death listed on her death certificate was congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation & covid-19. She was in the hospital for 15 days prior to entering hospice care. We were not allowed to visit Mom until February 1st due to hospital covid restrictions. She was unable to speak and said goodbye to me with a very strong hand embrace. I’m so grateful that my siblings and I spent Christmas 2021 with her. She mentioned, ” you know, I’ve had a really good life”. She was 91 years old and had lived in her home since 1954. I am so grateful for the in hospital hospice care that she received. Praising God that he didn’t allow long term suffering before taking her to heaven.
Praying for you, your Mom, Steve and Vernie.
Praising God in the Storm,
Gloria
Gloria,
Oh my. The idea of not being able to visit just breaks my heart. I’m so sorry your family had to deal with that.
But I’m so happy you have the memories of Christmas to sustain you and her words that “she’s had a very good life.” Those are good words to speak before the final curtain.
I’m thankful you had a few hours with her before her death; I know those were treasured moments.
So sorry that both of your moms are having health issues. And also glad that you both were able to visit them.
The only person I have been around when they passed from this earth was my uncle’s ex-wife. She was my aunt until the day she passed. She had cancer and was on hospice care. I lived about an hour away and had gone to my parents for Easter weekend. Since I hadn’t seen my aunt, my mom and I and maybe my dad, can’t remember if he was there or not, went to see her that Saturday. Just as we got there, the hospice nurse was arriving as the time was very near. The one thing I remember was observing the count of narcotics after she passed.
Loved the song by you and your sisters.
Phyllis,
How wonderful that the timing worked out for your to be with your aunt at her passing. That is a rare privilege in this life. And it’s always wonderful to have a hospice nurse present who can be a guide down that last road.
Glad you enjoyed the Sister Song.
I’m so very sorry for this season that you are both going through. It’s so hard to lose our mothers. My mother passed away nearly 15 years ago after battling cancer, but the entire family was able to be together about 2 months before she passed and we all had such a fun time. I still wish every day that I could pick up the phone and call my mom. We’re blessed to still have my mother-in-law, who is very healthy and will be 80 this summer. I’m so glad that you had such a sweet visit with your mom and sisters. I hope Steve has a good visit with his mom and that she recovers well. Praying for peaceful transitions for your moms when the time comes.
Gayle,
Peaceful transition. That is a wonderful way to put it.
It’s so hard not knowing the timing of how things will go but I am comforted to know that our moms are surrounded by much love and care.
What a great memory to have your whole family together 2 months before her death. Those memories will last until eternity takes over.
Aw, Becky – I’m so sorry that both of your mom’s are enduring health issues. The aging process is expected, inevitable, and somehow still terribly unfair.
I read your post yesterday, and was sobbing by the end of it. I thought “well, I’ll come back tomorrow and comment when I’m not upset” but I’m not any more composed today so I guess I’ll just have to comment through tears. I was one of the primary hospice caregivers for my grandfather, when he died last month. He wasn’t on hospice long — his health had declined sharply in recent months, and he called two days after Christmas to say that he was ready to be done and was signing up for hospice. He died 11 days later. The last few days were largely calm and quiet; he was on medications to keep him from agitation and restlessness. But in the first several days he sat up with the family who was there, told stories, said goodbye. He even played one final game of Euchre (a card game regional to the midwest that my family has always, always played).
He was my favorite person, and I miss him terribly. But I will forever be grateful for all of the time–even those last days–that I got to spend with him.
Kristina,
Your grandpa and Euchre. My mom and checkers.
So wonderful when the emotions of the dying process give way to games, memories, and conversations. It’s a treasure for the family to be able to relive those moments when the waves of grief come.
I love your words, “He was my favorite person.” There was a truly special relationship between the two of you, one that will sustain you for all the days of your life.
Thanks so much for sharing your emotion and your experience of this recent time of grief. I know it will bring comfort to others who read it.
Prayers for both Moms! I feel so fortunate that my Mom is still very healthy after turning 94 last week. Hugs from afar!
Cindy,
Wow. Ninety-four is up there! You are blessed, indeed.
My heart hurts for you all this morning after reading this. She looks like she would be the sweetest little lady. Praying for peace and comfort from the Heavenly Father as only He can do. Tomorrow will be 20 years to the day that my precious daddy went to be with Jesus. He was in a bad way right before he passed and we were all there holding his hand when he departed this old world. It was heartbreaking but peaceful, knowing he wasn’t suffering anymore. Sometimes death isn’t the worst thing for those that suffered long and was ready to go. I miss my daddy but will be with him again one day in Heaven. Sending you big hugs and much love during this time.
Kaye,
What a blessing to have gotten to be there when your dad passed. Heartbreaking but peaceful is such a good way to describe an experience like that.
Thanks for the prayers, hugs, and love!
I’m praying for Vernie and your momma, Becky. And for all of you. I’m so very happy you got to spend that special time with your mom and I truly hope it was not the last. If it was, I’m glad it was so filled with love and cherished time together with her and your sisters! I’m also very glad Steve got to spend some time with his mom!
I posted this on FB recently…
That feeling of
“I want my Mom”
Has no age limit,
no time limit,
and no distance
limit.
Even though I only have a handful of faint memories with my mom, it rings so true! My mommy passed away exactly 1 month after I turned 7, 34 years ago and I wasn’t with her much before that since she and my dad were divorced and Dad had custody of my brothers and me. Mom had to work a whole lot to be able to live on her own so she didn’t have a lot of free time to be with us. I know that if she had known she was going to get an incurable sickness, she would have been with us a whole lot more.
Oh!!! Also, I finally got caught up with all the Smithellaneous happenings over the past few years! I believe I went all the way back to the end of 2019! I had surgery on 2/1 so I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing plus recovering so I’ve had time to read the blog! So much has happened in just a few short years! 💜
Lizz,
I’m so impressed that you took the time and energy to go all the way back to the end of 2019! You win the Most Diligent Smithellaneous Reader of the Month! 🙂
Hoping your recovery passes by quickly for you.
Lizz,
I’ve been working on a blog post for when my mother does pass and one of the main themes is “I want my Mom!” How interesting that we’re both on the same wavelength.
What a huge sadness to lose your mom at such a young age; my heart aches for you, especially since you didn’t have very much time with her before she passed. But I’m so thankful for even the faint memories you managed to acquire and remember. There is nothing on this earth that can ever fill that whole. Hugs.
💜
What a touching post. Prayers for all…what precious memories your were able to store during your visit to Wisconsin. Thinking of you and all your loved ones…sending love and hugs your way…
Sue Ellen,
Yes, it was definitely a memory-storing trip. The best kind. Thank you so much for your concern and prayers.
What a heart-touching post. Thank you for sharing with us.
Angela,
Thank you for your comment; it was my joy to be able to share the experiences of that week.
Becky, such a sweet post about your visit with your Mom. I did not remember that your Mom called you “Doll.” How precious that you got to hear her say that once again, along with the song, the conversation, the checker game—lasting memories. You and your family are on our hearts and in our prayers, along with Vernie. Sending love and hugs…
Lorrie,
Yes, she didn’t call us that all the time but it’s something that lasted throughout the years. When she was feeling better and I would call and say, “This is Becky” she’d reply, “Hi, Doll!”
Thankful for those lasting memories you referred to. And thankful for you, my only blog reader apart from my family who knew mom when she was in her 40’s and 50’s.
prayers for your beautiful Moms and their caregivers
Mrs. Pam,
Thank you. Those caregivers definitely need our prayers as they work in the challenging but oh-so-rewarding jobs they have.
Hi Becky. I’m a faithful reader but rarely comment. I wanted to send love to the Campbells and Smiths. Life can be sweet and heartbreaking together.
Jennifer,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love hearing from rare commenters!
How true it is about life being sweet and heartbreaking. You can take both together and keep moving forward through the laughter and tears.
I will be saying a prayer for both your moms and for everyone’s hearts, I don’t think there are enough tears. So glad you and Steve are/were able to spend time with them. I love the video, your mom is so sweet and intent on singing along with her ‘dolls’.
My mom died over 20 years ago, I didn’t handle it well at all, if there even is such a thing. We all do our best, I know.
Hospice nurses are another set of angels, they are amazing. Keeping your mom comfortable is what its all about, so very very important. Her sweet dog…..what a face!
Hugs to you Becky.
Leslie,
“I don’t think there are enough tears.” What a poignant line and oh so true.
And you’re so right; we all do our best. We handle death as well as we can but there is no perfect or prescribed way. If you made it through your mom’s death, then you handled it well.
And yes, hospice people are among my heroes.
So glad you were able to visit with your mom and sisters and have some memory time. My dad was on hospice for a week. The night we placed him on hospice we didn’t think he was aware of what we were doing. When I said goodnight to him, he said something I won’t repeat here, that was so uncharacteristic of him. I wondered if that would be his last words to me. The next morning I did get a very soft, but very clear, “Hi” so that gave me a good word to end on. He was basically non responsive the next 6 days. We took turns staying the night with him and even though I don’t sing, I did sing for him what he always talking about his mother singing. I think he could hear it still. My mother was in the hospital while I was 1800 miles away. She called one night, repeatedly, but could never hear what I was saying. It broke my heart but I had to finally not even answer her calls. The next day my brother took his phone and I was able to talk to her and she was telling me some crazy dreams she had. Helped to have that last conversation. She passed 3 days later while my sister and I were on our way to be with her. So glad you enjoyed a good time with your mom. Moms are never forgotten.
Patti,
How wonderful that you had another last word with your dad instead of the uncharacteristic one. It is interesting that he said “hi” as his last word to you–just as you were saying goodbye.
And how wonderful that even though you don’t sing, you sang. And even though they might have said he couldn’t hear, he heard.
I’m so sorry you and your sister didn’t make it in time to be with your mom as she passed. Those passing moments–no one can predict them. And you’re right. Moms are never forgotten.
How wonderful that you got to go make some potentially final memories with your sweet mom. I was with my mom when she passed. She was not conscious but the hospice nurse said she could tell that mom knew we were there by the rise in her heart rate. We have dealt with hospice 3 times now….my mom, my step mom and my mother-in-law. They do an incredible, difficult job and I cannot say enough good things about hospice. They are truly some very special people and a real blessing.
I’m glad that Steve can go be with Vernie. My prayers are with all of you.
LeeAnne,
How interesting that your mom’s heart rate raised while you were with her. It’s amazing to me how the body communicates, even when the words are gone.
So glad hospice was with you each time you said goodbye to one of your moms. Such a blessing not to be alone in trying to figure out that last journey.
My grandmother died two years ago this Wednesday. She was also in hospice, and so many of the stories and pictures you shared are familiar, from the daughters’ loving and constant care to the three children gathered around mom, to the games they played together in that time (puzzles, in my grandma’s case, as opposed to checkers!). My family was fortunate to have about three months of hospice care before grandma passed, giving us some time to come together and start to process the change that was occurring. Both my grandmothers were in hospice before they died, and overall it was a peaceful, calming experience, despite the circumstances. We even had a music therapist come in once, and when we told her that grandma had loved baseball, she played “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” on her keyboard for her!
Prayers for your mom and all of you in this time, and also prayers for Vernie in her illness.
Linnae,
Kudos to your music therapist for playing Take Me Out to the Ballgame. I can only imagine the smiles that brought to everyone. Love it!
So nice to have those three months to allow for everyone to say goodbye and to start to process what they were getting ready to face.
My mom loves puzzles, as well as checkers; such a fun thing to do as family.
What precious time the end is. I think hospice is possibly the best part of our healthcare system. At the end of my grandmother’s life, I would fly down once a month to spend a weekend loving and caring for her. I flew down for one last mothers day with her, and when the time came to say goodbye, she pulled me close, covered my whole face with kisses, and told me she loved me.
Robin,
Oh, what a sweet last memory with your grandma. I’m sure you’ve revisited it many times since then.
And I love that you call the end of life “a precious time.” It is, indeed.
So sorry to hear about your mom and mom in law. But thankful for their love of the Lord and knowing they will spend eternity with Jesus. My older sister had Alzheimer’s and about a month ago her daughter had to put her in the hosp. because she had pneumonia and sepsis. The doctor was not hopeful and she passed away on Feb. 6th, on our youngest sister’s birthday. She is now with her Lord and family. Also between she and myself mom had another baby but was stillborn and now she gets to meet her sister for the first time.
Sharyn,
I’m sorry you’ve lost someone dear to you so recently.
I love the idea of your sister getting to meet her sister in heaven. Sisters are the best! Many hugs to you and your family.
Prayers to your mom, Vernie, and all that love and care for them, near and far. So many of are in that “far” category, Becki. So many of us love and care for your mamas, through your blog. We are inspired by the love and care from the “dolls,” and the rest of the family.
It must give great comfort as these special ladies prepare to meet up with their husbands. What a joyous reunion that will be.
The singing was beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a special moment.
As my mom was in final hospice, my dad and I would visit daily, but we never recognized openly that death was near. We never had special good-byes, or moments to say “thanks.” I hope to make that different, when my dad passes on, and with my in-laws who are still around. I appreciate how your family has shared the transitioning of loved ones. It is a gift to us all, on how to approach life, love, loss, and deep faith.
Ann,
It’s hard to acknowledge the nearness of death; it’s such an act of finality, a feeling of no going back.
Down the road with your dad and other family members, I know your goodbyes will be extra special and extra meaningful as you recognize and embrace those goodbye moments.
Your closing words warmed my heart and made me grateful for the chance to be a part of this incredible community where we can learn from each other and be all the better for sharing our stories. Blessings.
Such a sweet visit you all had. I have, unfortunately, said goodbye (for now) to my Mom. In fact, tomorrow, February 15, it will be 4 years. It still seems like yesterday and it seems like it was a lot longer.
I will pray for all of the Campbell and Smith’s for both of your precious Mom’s.
Krista,
I can only imagine how time starts behaving in a whole new way when you lose your mom. I’m so sorry that you lost her while you are still young; that makes the heartache and the goodbye even harder.
Thanks so much for your prayers.
Sending you a big, warm, gentle hug, Becky along with prayers for your two moms. I know how hard it is to have a loved one in that very fragile period where everything is precarious and yet somehow the already truly precious becomes even more so. If you ever need someone to listen, know I’m only an email away. Thinking of you and your family.
Jenna,
I know you have lost some incredibly precious women in your life in recent years, so your words are birthed out of hard-won experience. You chose exactly the right words to describe it: fragile, precarious, and precious.
Oh Becky, that made me cry….I am so glad you got to see your Mom, I was not so fortunate, my Mom had a tragic accident when I was living in KS and she was in NJ, I never got to say good bye. My prayers are with all of you….I am also so glad Steve is with Vernie.
Dale,
Oh, how difficult to hear from afar about a sudden death. No preparation, no goodbyes. I can’t imagine how difficult that was.
Thank you for your prayers.
How incredibly that you had that time with her. I was blessed to be by both of my parents’ sides as they left this side of Heaven. Hospice is an incredible organization!! We used them with both of our moms and we were blessed by them. They even followed up at the one year anniversaries. My prayers are with you.
Lisa,
Hospice workers are truly one of the greatest blessings on this earth–there to help in the darkest of times. So grateful.
What a privilege to get to be with both of your parents as they passed. I know you’ll remember those moments always.