Chocolate. Oh, sweet chocolate.
And a sweet card accompanying the sweet chocolate?
Be still my heart.
And (also from Steve), a Valentine’s card and a sweet treat for Sarah?
Be even stiller my heart.
Sarah and I are definitely two blessed ladies, that’s for sure! We both know that we are well-loved by our very own personal man of the house because he shows it to us every day in so many ways.
Hold everything!
Stop the violin music!
Halt the warm fuzzies!
Why in the world is this desk so rudely interrupting my Valentine post? This desk doesn’t have anything to do with love! Right?
Well, actually, it does.
Steve and I have been celebrating Valentine’s Days for thirty-one years now. Over the course of our marriage, we’ve always made every financial decision together. We have a joint checking account and the money that each of us earns goes into that account and is spent from that account.
So far, so good.
Over these past three decades, however, Steve has always been the one to pay the bills and balance the checkbook because I have a great loathing of math and all things number-related. I look at a line of numbers and my brain freezes and I feel all twitchy.
Ask me to balance the check book? I would rather have a root canal. I would rather have two root canals. I. Don’t. Do. Numbers.
A few times over the years, I have sat down with Steve while he’s paid the bills in an attempt to gain some understanding of our financial doings; however, after a couple of weeks, I’ve sort of drifted away back into my numberless life and just let him do his thing.
Which is fine, as far as that goes. He’s good at it, he can take care of things quickly and efficiently, and the arrangement has worked just dandy.
Let’s say he runs to Ace Hardware this afternoon to pick up a gizmo for some handyman project he’s working on. On the way home, he’s hit by a driver who ran a red light. And he dies.
There is nothing written anywhere, no promise made by anyone, that that is not a possibility in our lives–or in any life.
And so all of a sudden, out of the blue, I would be slammed with immense grief. I would have children to comfort. I would see my life completely upended. And on top of all that unspeakable trauma, I would have a whole stack of bills continuing to arrive. They would need to be dealt with. And I would have no idea even where to start.
Now to Steve’s credit, he has brought this subject up to me numerous times in our marriage saying over and over, “Becky, if something happens and I died unexpectedly, you would have a very tough time managing the finances.”
And I’d say, “Yeah, you’re right. I sure would.” And then I would make a half-hearted attempt to sit down him and have him explain things but after a week or two, I would wander away from it in a bewildered haze. Because numbers are not my friend.
Steve put on his most loving but stern husband voice and said, “Honey, I am not truly showing you love, and I am not being a good steward as a husband when I haven’t made sure you know how to handle our finances. And so for this whole year, you and I will sit down every Monday night and pay the bills together; I will also teach you to balance the check book.”
Well. After getting over my momentary panic, I jumped in with both feet. And you all would be proud of me! I have started wading through all sorts of number-related mysteries and some of the muddle is even starting to make sense. I haven’t balanced the check book on my own yet, but I’ve done it twice with Steve and my non-mathematical brain is starting to see some light at the end of the knowledge tunnel. A couple more times and I should be able to do it myself.
I know that many of you who have paid bills and balanced checkbooks for your entire adult lives are probably amazed (and appalled) that I could have gone this long without those life skills. And truthfully, I hate that I have gone this long. And I’m almost even embarrassed to it admit it.
But the reason I am putting aside my embarrassment to even write about it is because I want to be an encouragement to any of you who might be in the same place that I was. Please, please make it a priority to learn this stuff. It won’t be easy at first, but you will feel so much more peace of mind, knowing that you are able to handle this vital part of life.
And as for me? I’m turning into a Bill Paying Ninja! Don’t I look like I actually know what I’m doing?
(By the way, the slots in the small black file are labeled, “First Monday, Second Monday, Third Monday, Fourth Monday, Fifth Monday and Check Balancing. When bills come in, we write on the front of the envelope what day they need to be mailed and then we file that bill in the appropriate slot. Each week when we pay bills, we only have to look at the ones in that week’s slot which makes things simpler. And I am all about simple!)
Which of these two things show love: Chocolate? Or a checkbook?
The answer is, “Yes.”
The chocolate shows Steve observes and remembers things you love; learning the checkbook shows how much Steve loves you. Perfect combination! That said, after years of having to be responsible for all things financial (single parent), should I ever find myself married, I will happily say, “Here you go, Sweetie! Just give me an allowance!” lol
Guerrina,
Yeah, I can only imagine how lovely that would be for you to stop being the only Financial Thinker in the household. I’m sure the sound of just getting an allowance without having to think about everything sounds pleasant, indeed!
Becky, This is something I have been thinking about for the past few months. I have nothing to do with the bills and wouldn’t know where to start. I need to make some changes just like you are doing. Thanks for the encouragement.
Suzanne,
So very happy this post has encouraged you to make the same changes I’m in the process of making. Let me know how it goes for you!!
I admire your courage in learning to do this financial “thing”. I can also highly recommend paying bills on line as one big advantage is that you can sit down at the computer as soon as a bill comes in and tell it when you want the bill paid. We also do a fair number of bills on auto pay when we know they will be the same each month – utilities for example. I will tell you this little secret – I never balance the check book anymore. Checking our credit union a/c’s every so often is good enough. Very freeing, I can tell you.
A good friend of ours just lost her husband of 58 years a few weeks ago, and in her own words, she is feeling “under-prepared and overwhelmed”. Pat yourself on the back for making sure this won’t happen to you. And congratulations to Steve for “encouraging” you to do it. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Liz,
What a poignant, sad line, “Under prepared and overwhelmed.” THAT sums up perfectly the reason I am finally stepping up and making this change.
We do have a few of our bills that are on auto pay but it’s been good for me to know which ones and when they are paid. And we are definitely moving to banking online, very, VERY soon!
It was opposite in our house-my mom did the bills and what-not their entire marriage. My dad is NOT the greatest with numbers, but my mom liked them! So, he did have to adjust a bit, and he changed the system-starting with doing more things online. He still sometimes gets befuddled, but he’s working through it…and he has me to remind him 🙂
Music Girl,
I’m glad (and I know your Dad is glad) that you are there to help him work his way through a few of his financial befuddlements.
I can relate! (To the befuddlement, not the helping.) 🙂
I also hated doing the checkbook. My husband minored iin math in college and has always written down what needs to be paid and when. It scared me to even think of what I would have to do when it came to the finances. So one day he wrote down what needed to be paid , when to be paid, and the amount. I’m a much happier camper now. I told him if he died before helping me with this I would be very angry with him. A man who goes to our church had his wife do the finances – even tho’ she had been ill with cancer, she passed away without him being shown what to do. Husbands need to know too.
Sharyn,
You’re exactly right–husband need to know this stuff too, if their wife is mainly in charge of the finances.
I’m glad (for your peace of mind) your husband has written out what you need to know.
I worried that if something happened to me, my husband would not be able to pay the bills. Even though we both have our bank app on our phones.. he thinks if there is money in there he can spend it. I have to tell him no, there are bills coming out such as the mortgage and car payments.
Jennifer,
Wouldn’t it be nice if that were true–as long as there’s money left, we can spend it! 🙂
And yes, those pesky things like mortgages and car payments do have a way of popping up from time to time.
Chocolate and the sour patch kids are certainly a necessity for managing the checkbook:) I love the sweet and sour combo! Thank goodness for a husband that actually sees fit for you to conquer this new challenge…one piece at a time:)
Anonymous,
Yep, the chocolate for me and the sour stuff for Sarah were both well received. I’m not a big fan of sour stuff so Sarah knows she won’t have to share. And the chocolate DID make the bill paying go a little easier. 🙂
also, meant to put that green sweater looks really nice on you. Pretty awesome photo!
Thanks, Becky. That sweater is one of my $3 Goodwill treasures.
I was shocked that you still write checks and mail them. I pay everything on line. This is a good lesson to learn – one of my coworkers had a massive heart attack and passed away at the age of 43. His wife did not know who they owed or when things were due or anything. All the other guys who worked with him said they were going home, sit their wives down and make sure that they knew the details. And for the men whose wives take care of it. they need to learn how. My daddy died 7 years ago and my mom refused to learn how to do the banking so my sister and I are doing it for her. Glad you have taken the steps to learn it – I hope you don’t have a need to become the primary bill payer for many, many years but we should all be prepared. Becky
Becky, yes, I know, we really need to get going on our online banking skills. It’s on my Definite To Do List! I’m glad the guys who work with you took a lesson from their co worker who died from the heart attack. That’s a GOOD thing!
Insert long, drawn-out “awwww…” here. I should tell my brother (who is getting married next month) about this — thinking back to your quote post, there’s probably a quote somewhere about how a good husband takes care of his wife, but a great one teachers her to take care of herself.
Question (and feel free to ignore as it’s really not my business; you mentioned and I’m curious) — why is Steve considered self-employed? Wasn’t he hired by the church?
Kristina,
Love the quote you just sort of made up! 🙂 How true it is.
As far as the self employed question, when I asked Steve about it he said he wasn’t real sure; he just said that in most cases, the senior pastor of a church is viewed as self employed for tax purposes. I’m sure there is a good reason somewhere but we don’t know what it is!
Both – a checkbook covered in chocolate smudges because, Heaven knows, you MUST eat chocolate as you deal with finances or what is the point?
Best class my younger daughter ever took in college as a math class – personal finance – it should be a requirement!
Mary,
That’s the best solution–a checkbook covered in chocolate! And yes, I agree. Personal finance classes definitely need to be required.
i so cant balance a check book, which is why i just budget my check each time i get paid and stick to it. somehow my math always messes up somewhere and i make mistakes and over spend somehow, when it came to doing it from my checking account. so i learned to just write down my check amount which is always the same and then budget out what i need to spend. it works for me and i always under estimate my check so the extra goes in the bank for rainy days and saving. any long term stuff such as trips or bday parties i will budget some each time im paid and put it in an envelope. it has worked so much better for me this way. So chocolate to me is def a better vday gift.
Becky, well, it sounds like you’ve got a solution that works for you; that’s the main thing!
Flip side in this house….(I am still a registered broker, ya know). Scott would be lost. I know in time he would figure it out, but it worries me none the less. He doesn’t even open the mail when I am away….don’t even want to think what my office will look like when I return from the trip I leave on tomorrow. Perhaps a money management class from the credit union would have been a better Valentine than the iTunes gift card. Hmmmmm…..
Susan,
You’re right–in time Scott would figure it out but he might be slightly overwhelmed at first. I hope you’re not hit by a paper avalanche when you get home! 🙂
I’m not a huge chocolate fan (gasp!!) so it’s the checkbook in our house. I do all the bill paying, etc. so my hubby really doesn’t know who or what we owe, exactly. Yes, he really does, (well except for the Kohl’s card….ahem!) but trusts me to take care of it. I do know that if something happened to me, he would be able to manage just fine…..he did it on his own before I came along. He wouldn’t like it though because he’s not a ‘detail’ guy. That’s why I take care of it. 🙂 Happy Valentine’s Day!!
LeeAnne,
Since your husband did all the money stuff before you came along, he would be fine doing it on his own. How nice though, that you’re so good at it and do it well! (And I won’t breathe a word about the Kohl’s card.) 🙂
Oh, I will be…a big one, to even include the Tuesday trash. He will want me to see EVERYTHING!