Potlucks, Feasts, and Loneliness

So here’s a question.

If a friend/acquaintance invited you to their house for dinner, would you:  a) be excited  b) feel ambivalent  c) NOT want to go?

I was talking to my sister, Debbie, on the phone last week, and we were discussing this subject and how it seems that people don’t invite guests over for dinner as much as they used to.

We wondered if it’s because people are just tired from working, and they don’t want to leave their homes and their favorite TV shows? Or maybe because many of us feel all the pressure from social media to have a picture-perfect house and table setting, and our food has to be fabulous. And it’s just too much to even contemplate.

For me, I always appreciate hosts who spend time making everything lovely–the food, the table setting, the ambiance. But I am also just as happy to be with people who randomly invite folks over, no matter what the house looks like, no matter if the dinner is a leftover casserole with a sprinkling of cheese and dried parsley to dress it up.  (My personal technique for disguising leftovers.) They don’t care if the floor is unmopped and the dishes are undone.  They only care that they are feeding people and making them welcome.

As a rule, I am not that person. I tend to get way too focused on the niceties. However, it is not unheard of for me to throw my door open to unexpected guests from time to time.  I rummage through the fridge like a madwoman, trying to put together a meal out of a banana, oatmeal, four tortillas, and a can of tuna. (If you’ve ever watched Chopped, you’ll get the reference.)

I have thrown random leftover containers onto a countertop and said, “Help yourself,” and it’s amazing how that simple act can make strangers suddenly feel like they’re back in their own home or in their grandma’s kitchen–a place where they feel like family.

As Debbie and I continued our conversation, we discussed how meaningful hosting and being hosted have been for us in the past–the conversation, the lingering around the table, the laughter, the sharing of sorrows and joys.  It is such a rich experience.

But sadly, inviting people over seems to be happening less and less, just when we need it more and more.  There is something about people gathered around a table that does something for a lonely soul that nothing else can.

Sarah and Gage are wonderful purveyors of hospitality.  

They don’t let the fact that they live in a smallish apartment keep them from opening their door.

Gage has been very intentional about creating relationships at Trader Joe’s. For the past two years or so, he and Sarah have hosted a group of TJ’s friends twice a month. They pick a potluck theme and everybody brings a dish, often homemade, to pass.  Six or eight of them crowd around the table and eat, play board games, and laugh.

I asked Sarah to give me some more info about those get-togethers. She said:

The game nights started in 2024, and at our last gathering of December 2025, Gage asked the group what the highlights of their year were. One of them said our weekly gatherings were the highlight of his year, and a few others agreed. Conversations are usually pretty light, but the group has supported each other emotionally through tough times, too.

Two of the coworkers started dating partially because they got to know each other better outside of work at our game nights, and now they’re engaged! 

Our friends even pitched in on extra IKEA furniture recently to help us host more easily. So now we have our “hosting table” that we set up in the living room. We can remove the table legs and store them all away with the folding chairs when not in use. We used to all be crammed around an awkwardly sized round table with some improvised seating, but now it’s so much easier to host with two rectangular tables!

(The first photo is the hosting table in our living room that gets packed away when not in use; the second photo is our normal kitchen table. When we’re hosting, the two tables are about seven feet apart so everyone can still easily talk, even if seated at different tables.)

We’re honored that just opening our home to host potlucks and board games has made such an impact. One of the many things I admire about Gage is his ability to create community wherever he goes and to reach out to the wallflowers and make them feel comfortable.

Simple times with friends. Being seen. Being noticed. Being heard.

Those are times that throw loneliness out the window and replace it with the indescribable joy of belonging.

I was filling out a form for a doctor’s visit and was taken aback by this page. 

Sitting right there with important things like housing and food was one word that stuck out. “Loneliness.”

Medical journals say, “People who experienced social isolation have a 32% higher risk of dying early from any cause compared with those who weren’t socially isolated. The body treats ongoing loneliness like a constant physical threat, which wears down organs over time.”

When Steve was a pastor . . .

we often had people over for meals; those were some of the richest experiences of our pastoral life. We really loved it when people would linger at the table long after the meal was over and just talk.  That was a bigger compliment to us than a lovely table or good cooking.

It’s hard for me to write about people coming to dinner without referencing Dare Challenge, a faith-based drug and alcohol rehab center Steve volunteered at when he pastored in Manteo.  Many of you long-time readers may remember the dinners we hosted for them every Thanksgiving.

Here are a few memories from those days. (That’s Steve’s dear mom, Vernie, at the head of the table.)

Out of all the things we have done over the years as ministers, those Thanksgiving meals with these men were true highlights.

I remember at one particular meal, we went around the table and asked what each of them was thankful for. One of them said how nice it was to be treated like a regular person and not like a drug addict. Another man said that even though they’d had several Thanksgiving meals at churches during the week, this one was the best because they were in a real home, and they all missed that. And later, another man told us that he would never forget that time spent at our home.

The paragraphs at the end make this one of my favorite Dare Challenge posts.

Just like with Dare Challenge, and just like with Gage and Sarah–the thing most people are looking for is simply a place to belong. And somehow, the act of sitting around a table with old and new friends ties heartstrings together quicker than just about anything.

It doesn’t have to be fancy or even pre-planned. The only thing necessary is a place to sit and something to munch on, whether it’s something as simple as a potluck or as fancy as a feast.

The only thing that matters is to open doors and open hearts. The lonely will find their way in.

What about you?

Do you feel like eating in other peoples’ homes has lessened over the years?

Do you enjoy hosting meals or going to meals at someone elses’ home?

Do you remember a memorable meal or gathering that meant a lot to you?