So here’s a question.
If a friend/acquaintance invited you to their house for dinner, would you: a) be excited b) feel ambivalent c) NOT want to go?
I was talking to my sister, Debbie, on the phone last week, and we were discussing this subject and how it seems that people don’t invite guests over for dinner as much as they used to.
We wondered if it’s because people are just tired from working, and they don’t want to leave their homes and their favorite TV shows? Or maybe because many of us feel all the pressure from social media to have a picture-perfect house and table setting, and our food has to be fabulous. And it’s just too much to even contemplate.
For me, I always appreciate hosts who spend time making everything lovely–the food, the table setting, the ambiance. But I am also just as happy to be with people who randomly invite folks over, no matter what the house looks like, no matter if the dinner is a leftover casserole with a sprinkling of cheese and dried parsley to dress it up. (My personal technique for disguising leftovers.) They don’t care if the floor is unmopped and the dishes are undone. They only care that they are feeding people and making them welcome.
As a rule, I am not that person. I tend to get way too focused on the niceties. However, it is not unheard of for me to throw my door open to unexpected guests from time to time. I rummage through the fridge like a madwoman, trying to put together a meal out of a banana, oatmeal, four tortillas, and a can of tuna. (If you’ve ever watched Chopped, you’ll get the reference.)
I have thrown random leftover containers onto a countertop and said, “Help yourself,” and it’s amazing how that simple act can make strangers suddenly feel like they’re back in their own home or in their grandma’s kitchen–a place where they feel like family.
As Debbie and I continued our conversation, we discussed how meaningful hosting and being hosted have been for us in the past–the conversation, the lingering around the table, the laughter, the sharing of sorrows and joys. It is such a rich experience.
But sadly, inviting people over seems to be happening less and less, just when we need it more and more. There is something about people gathered around a table that does something for a lonely soul that nothing else can.
They don’t let the fact that they live in a smallish apartment keep them from opening their door.
Gage has been very intentional about creating relationships at Trader Joe’s. For the past two years or so, he and Sarah have hosted a group of TJ’s friends twice a month. They pick a potluck theme and everybody brings a dish, often homemade, to pass. Six or eight of them crowd around the table and eat, play board games, and laugh.
I asked Sarah to give me some more info about those get-togethers. She said:
The game nights started in 2024, and at our last gathering of December 2025, Gage asked the group what the highlights of their year were. One of them said our weekly gatherings were the highlight of his year, and a few others agreed. Conversations are usually pretty light, but the group has supported each other emotionally through tough times, too.
Two of the coworkers started dating partially because they got to know each other better outside of work at our game nights, and now they’re engaged!
Our friends even pitched in on extra IKEA furniture recently to help us host more easily. So now we have our “hosting table” that we set up in the living room. We can remove the table legs and store them all away with the folding chairs when not in use. We used to all be crammed around an awkwardly sized round table with some improvised seating, but now it’s so much easier to host with two rectangular tables!
(The first photo is the hosting table in our living room that gets packed away when not in use; the second photo is our normal kitchen table. When we’re hosting, the two tables are about seven feet apart so everyone can still easily talk, even if seated at different tables.)
We’re honored that just opening our home to host potlucks and board games has made such an impact. One of the many things I admire about Gage is his ability to create community wherever he goes and to reach out to the wallflowers and make them feel comfortable.
Simple times with friends. Being seen. Being noticed. Being heard.
Those are times that throw loneliness out the window and replace it with the indescribable joy of belonging.
Sitting right there with important things like housing and food was one word that stuck out. “Loneliness.”
Medical journals say, “People who experienced social isolation have a 32% higher risk of dying early from any cause compared with those who weren’t socially isolated. The body treats ongoing loneliness like a constant physical threat, which wears down organs over time.”
we often had people over for meals; those were some of the richest experiences of our pastoral life. We really loved it when people would linger at the table long after the meal was over and just talk. That was a bigger compliment to us than a lovely table or good cooking.
It’s hard for me to write about people coming to dinner without referencing Dare Challenge, a faith-based drug and alcohol rehab center Steve volunteered at when he pastored in Manteo. Many of you long-time readers may remember the dinners we hosted for them every Thanksgiving.
Here are a few memories from those days. (That’s Steve’s dear mom, Vernie, at the head of the table.)
Out of all the things we have done over the years as ministers, those Thanksgiving meals with these men were true highlights.
I remember at one particular meal, we went around the table and asked what each of them was thankful for. One of them said how nice it was to be treated like a regular person and not like a drug addict. Another man said that even though they’d had several Thanksgiving meals at churches during the week, this one was the best because they were in a real home, and they all missed that. And later, another man told us that he would never forget that time spent at our home.
The paragraphs at the end make this one of my favorite Dare Challenge posts.
Just like with Dare Challenge, and just like with Gage and Sarah–the thing most people are looking for is simply a place to belong. And somehow, the act of sitting around a table with old and new friends ties heartstrings together quicker than just about anything.
It doesn’t have to be fancy or even pre-planned. The only thing necessary is a place to sit and something to munch on, whether it’s something as simple as a potluck or as fancy as a feast.
The only thing that matters is to open doors and open hearts. The lonely will find their way in.
What about you?
Do you feel like eating in other peoples’ homes has lessened over the years?
Do you enjoy hosting meals or going to meals at someone elses’ home?
Do you remember a memorable meal or gathering that meant a lot to you?
I think a big part of people not hosting anymore is that people these days are so flighty. They will say “Yes! I’d love to come over!” Then back out at the last minute. Or they don’t even go that far. They just say “I will definitely try to make it.” Then never even call or text that they aren’t coming. It makes it really hard to want to host when people do that so often.
I do host Thanksgiving every year and while I’d love to say I don’t get worked up about it, I really do. I try so hard not to and I’m getting better about it! Things do not need to be perfect!!
Lizz,
“Definitely try to make it.” That’s not much of an RSVP, is it?
I agree about Thanksgiving. I always say, “I’m just going to keep it simple this year” and then, guess what? I don’t! At least it’s not something we do every week or every month.
I’m really late to the party this time! Just wanted to say Bravo to Sarah and Gage. What a wonderful thing to do having those people over! God will bless them for that! We have memories of shared meals with friends. We didn’t do it enough, but glad we did it some. Makes me sad that we are kinda loners now, but get together with family quite often, and I wouldn’t change that!
I enjoyed that read.
Carol
Carol,
I seem to remember you and Phil having people over a lot. I know we always really enjoyed ourselves whenever we were at your house. It’s great having family nearby to hang out with, isn’t it? Such a blessing to live near them.
I’m glad you left a comment even being “late to the party!” 🙂
Beautiful and meaningful post!
Robin,
Thank you so much for your encouragement!
When I was about 12-13 years old, my dad (who was a pastor) would get invited after church to folks homes for coffee and other foods. Now as a child – “Can we go home???” was often my cry because I was tired and mom would always say, “go lay on the bed.” Nope, not sleeping at this house. Mom was gracious too and would have folks over. When I got married and had a couple of children, it seemed to be easier to have folks over – because of the kids. When the kids left the house, it seemed more difficult to get started again. Several times, a couple of them would say, “we should get together.” So that was a big hint and I thought, “it’s time to have so and so over.” Am one that it wasn’t just chips and/or pop and coffee and maybe some cookies, it would be a cake, maybe some fruit and veggies and a dip. For about 4 years I had couples over that were getting up in years, including a former pastor (who helped with the officiation of our marriage). The last time I was going to do it, husband decided we were going on vacation and it was at the same time we would usually have this gathering. Unfortunately it was the last time. That pastor passed away (almost 100) and someone was having problems with their legs. So, don’t put off having folks over and don’t wait for them to invite you. There is one couple we still get together with , both in their late 80’s and we are 83. Basically, now it is eat out because it’s easier.
Sharyn,
Yes, pastor’s kids definitely get plenty of experience in hosting and being hosted. You’re a pro!
Good for you for being so faithful for those four years in having some couples over who were up in years. I know that must have meant so much to them and was a sweet time of fellowship for you all.
And I’m glad there is still a couple you get together with regularly; those kinds of friendships are more and precious the older we get.
We rarely have anyone, other than our kids and a couple we regularly travel with, over. I get stressed out over it! I always feel like my house is never good enough, or I can’t cook well enough. I’ve also watched too many episodes of hoarders and the like to feel comfortable eating anyone else’s food at a potluck!
My grandmother once told me, when I’d moved away from the military spouse life (which is a “whole nother” world) and lamented not being able to hang out at the common ground with others in my subdivision, that “nobody neighbors anymore” – using a noun as a verb. And it’s true. We have a passing acquaintance with the young couple next door and a young woman across the alley, but everyone else is just a “wave” as you walk or drive past their house.
Stefanie,
Steve has often said that when his family left the military, there was such a feeling of loss of community; that was one of the hardest things for his whole family.
Interesting using “neighbors” as a verb but it makes perfect sense. We are neighbors. In a perfect world, we would all “neighbor.”
I really try not to stress when I have someone over to eat but, inevitably, I do. One of my life goals is to take those kinds of gatherings less seriously and learn to enjoy the getting together aspect, much more than the food or the decor. I think maybe a good middle ground would be to have people over for coffee and dessert. You still get to hang out with people but without the stress of a meal needing to be prepared.
I had not really thought about it, but I do think eating with others has declined; for the reasons you mentioned and also because people seem to be so busy and “go, go, go”. During football season we often have friends over on Saturdays to watch college football and either cook, grill or have a “grazing table” with a lot of finger type foods. And people know the house will not look like a spread from Southern Living, but we’ll eat well, laugh, and enjoy some football. It was so nice revisiting one of your Dare Challenge posts – I always enjoyed reading them and thinking about what an impact this made on them.
I loved hearing about Sarah & Gage and their dinners; How very special that they chipped in to buy a bigger table for the gatherings and also that it in part contributed to an engagement!
I hope you all have a wonderful week!!
Sue Ellen,
I also love the fact that Sarah and Gage have turned into such fabulous, low-stress hosts. They have found that good balance of welcoming people in without it being a big to-do and everyone is able to relax–including them!
Glad you enjoyed re-reading a Dare Challenge post. Those were some special meals and I’m so glad we were able to do it.
Having friends over for grilling or a grazing table is a great idea. The bottom line of any get together is spending time with those you know or want to know better; sounds like you have some great ideas for making that happen!
Very good subject here.
It has truly gone by the wayside–having people over–just in a casual,spontaneousway.
I sure agree–people love it and it does minister greatly to a human need in all of us—to hear and be heard–accepted and encouraged.
A wonderful way to minister to others in a very practical daily -life method. Glad you reminded us all of this and pray that we pick up the “fork and spoon” and forge ahead to better days of reaching out. thank you much. Ruth
Ruth,
You and Arnold are so gifted at opening your home and making everyone feel welcome and accepted. Everyone who had driven on to your property has been blessed with beauty, peace, laughter and lots of good food.
I need to pick up the “fork and spoon” more myself and have people over. It’s a dying tradition but a tradition we all need.
I have seen similar forms at the Drs office. They are really pushing mental health I think, but how many truly lonely people would actually check that box?
Love your comment about throwing casserole leftovers on the counter.
I am definately a Martha when it comes to hosting, I want everything right and work too hard on acheiving that. I also say, if you want a clean house give me a few days notice but you may stop by anytime if you don’t care what the house looks like.
I think hosting dinners has lessened some, but I wonder if Covid had anything to do with that?
I enjoy going to others for dinner, and hosting as well, but more for the conversation than the meal.
I remember all the meals shared with my extended family. Sitting around the table and talking long after the meal. My husband didn’t have that growing up and doesn’t understand how long we linger and talk. Having moved away from most of my family in retirement, I really miss that time. I am currently planning a get together with my husbands extended family, but so far only 2 couples are coming. Hopefully more will respond, but we will enjoy those who come.
Patti,
That’s true; most lonely people are not going to put down that they’re lonely. But hopefully, a few might, and the doctors might be able to help them with some resources.
Yes, a few days notice would definitely be good if someone was coming over–especially if they were going to spend the night. You attitude is so great about welcoming people regardless, as long as they aren’t expecting a perfectly cleaned house. (We Marathas can sometimes have a hard time relaxing our standards.)
You mentioned the sitting and talking after a meal. That is the very best thing, the way the conversation ebbs and flows and no one knows where the topics will start or end up. Love it. Hope you enjoy your get together with whomever is able to make it!
I agree. This is something that is rarely done anymore, like many forms of socializing (eg I’ve noticed my son’s peers do not visit each other’s homes, something my age group did weekly or even daily as kids). And you’re right; we’re all becoming increasingly isolated and lonely as we simultaneously become increasingly averse to social contact. It’s sort of confusing and it’s not good for our well-being.
Ellen,
Yes, it does seem to be a generational thing where visits are becoming less and less with younger adults. That’s one reason I love seeing Nathan and Meagan and Sarah and Gage actively host people; hopefully they can help keep the tradition alive.
You said a mouthful when you stated that we are “increasingly lonely and yet increasingly averse to social contact.” That is definitely food for thought.